More Glimpses

Glimpses

Actually, I am unwilling to accept responsibility for any of this.  You may join me in blaming none other than Christopher Columbus, himself.  As I opened today’s Dallas Morning News, Sunday, October 10, 2004, I was greeted with a mass of sales ads stemming from the fact that tomorrow is Columbus Day.  I know that this has been taking place annually for quite some time, but I fail to see how Columbus and “Sales” are tied together.  Exhausting my personal source of research materials that might reveal the origin of such a custom, I called a trusted friend, and would be salutatorian of our high school class.  I use the words “would be” inasmuch as he “would have been” had his grades supported such an honor.  Unfortunately, this same reason could explain why he did not graduate in the top ten percent of our class.  Anyway, he has been a friend for many years and no one has too many friends.  We share similar impeccable tastes – like hamburgers with mustard, (no secret sauces or mayonnaise) pickles, tomatoes, onions, lettuce and we are not averse to throwing into the mix a helping of sliced jalapeño peppers.  To add a touch of class to a gourmet meal like this, we drink cold Classic Coke directly from the can.  That’s without drinking straws!

As with most any student, I have missed a few school days due to illness and in hopes that Chuck was in attendance during one of my absences, I inquired as to whether he remembered studying anything that would tie “Chris” to modern day sales.

“I can almost remember that.” came his reply.  “Yeah,” he continued, “I think old Mrs. Kellogg told us that Columbus introduced the New World to late summer sales and the Indians were wild about it.  It kinda went from there.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m positive, I think.”

“Well, what about (George) Washington Birthday Sales?”

“Boy, that was so long ago.  Let me think.”  After a few moments, history was revealed.  “Oh man!  Now I remember.  You remember about George cutting down the cherry tree don’t you?”

“Sure.”

“Well, George was having a real bad day that day.  He was madder than a spider because he wanted a sale day named for him.  His dad was about to give him a country attitude adjustment when he noticed that George was holding an Ace!  He still had the hatchet in his hand.  To appease young George, his dad said that he would see what he could do about it.  And the rest is history.”

Chuck had come through again!  You can see why I count him as a friend.  Uh oh!  After I had hung up the phone, I wondered about the origin of Lincoln’s Birthday Sales.  You know, George’s and Lincoln’s birthdays were combined a few years ago to create President’ Day.  Naturally, Americans would want to celebrate that occasion by having giant sales.  The solution to this one wasn’t so hard.  I figured it out myself.  Contrary to popular belief, I found out that George Washington and Abraham Lincoln were not brothers.  In fact, I don’t think that they even attended the same school.  But Lincoln didn’t carry a hatchet, even though he managed to keep the Union intact after the Civil War.  “They” thought that in view of that, and freeing the slaves, he deserved a sale day in his own right.  If you are wondering who “they” are, just a little thought will tell you.  It was his friends, the merchants!  They were, and remain, very patriotic.  When those two separate sale days were merged to create the current Present’s Day (Sales), the merchants got beat out of showing their patriotism on two separate occasions.  As a result they have to be doubly patriotic on President’s Day.  The two birthdays would probably still be celebrated separately if some of the merchants had hatchets.

Today, we take all these “sales” in stride and don’t think too much about them.  Thanksgiving decorations were on display here before the Halloween products hit the shelves.  I’m sure that this was just a precautionary measure.  Patriotism, you know.

As soon as all the Halloween products have been ransacked, I’m sure Christmas items will appear.  Don’t panic or you may find yourself eating Thanksgiving turkey under a lit tree.  That is not acceptable etiquette in some parts of the country.  If in doubt, call your state senator’s office and ask for “information.”  If you have a Chrysler engine handing from a tree in your front yard, for overhaul, it probably won’t really matter much how your family celebrates the holidays.

Years ago I used to marvel at how many clueless people there were in the furniture business.  Suddenly signs would appear in windows and a giant helium filled balloon would be flying about the business.  LOST OUT LEASE! the signs would unashamedly proclaim.  EVERYTHING MUST GO!  EVERYTHING ON SALE AT COST OR BELOW!  Their sincerity was on par with the authenticity of Santa Clause down at the department store.  Did the owners just wake up one morning and find a note on the door of their store that read something like, “You’ve Lost Your Lease!  Load up this junk and get out of Dodge immediately!”

Also in this same nerve shattering mode is another form of distress sale – “WE’VE OVER BOUGHT.  MUST CLEAR OUR WAREHOUSE FOR INCOMING NEW MERCHANDISE!”  Do they really have so much money that they failed to notice how much merchandise they were buying?  Should this industry be regulated?

There was a department store in my home town that constantly had placards entirely covering their display windows that informed everyone – “GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE!”  This went on for months.  It was really taking a l-o-n-g time for this business to die.  During this marathon sale, a law was passed prohibiting false advertising of this nature.  The matter was quickly rectified as almost identical signs covered their windows proclaiming – “GOING OUT for BUSINESS SALE.”  Now, they could continue their agonizing sale for as long as they desired.  If you missed the word “for” in their last sale signs description, please reread.

I can’t help but pick up on all these vehicle sales ads on TV that proclaim their product is better in one aspect than ALL the others.  “LARGEST STEERING WHEEL IN IT’S CLASS!”  “LARGEST PAYLOAD OF ANY TRUCK IN IT’S CLASS!”  ‘LARGEST SHIFT LEVER IN IT’S CLASS!”  “MORE LEG ROOM THAN ANY SMALL CAR  

IN IT’S CLASS!”

WHO ELSE WAS IN THE CLASS?  Do you think a salesman could provide you will a written list of the other class members?  They are not too keen on encouraging actual comparisons, are they?

Speaking of hamburgers – we were earlier, remember?  Check those pictorial ads in the newspapers or on TV.  Do you think that any person, living or dead, has ever walked into a burger joint and was handed a burger that looked anything like that?  Not even in your dreams.  Would it not be interesting to present one of their photo ads at the time of placing your order and saying, “I want one just like that, at the price shown in the ad.”  That would back up water all the way to the home office.

How about, “EVERY CAR ON THE LOT IS FOR SALE.  NONE HELD BACK!”  Wow.  Does this mean that sometimes they won’t sell you certain cars?  Sure sounds that way doesn’t it?  How fortunate to be in this current window of time. 

“THEY WON’T LAST LONG AT THESE PRICES!”  Exactly what does that mean?  Does it mean that they will sell out quickly, OR does it mean they have dropped the prices on a select group of merchandise that they know will fall apart shortly after you purchase it?  You think I’m skeptical?  Remember “GOING OUT for BUSINESS”?

Don’t miss our “BIG APRIL BLOWOUT SALE!”   What the heck does that mean?

Would it make more sense if the sale was to be held in August rather than April?  Truthfully, when is the last time that you needed to buy a “blowout?”  That makes far, far less sense than a Columbus Day Sale.  Could that have been a misprint all these years?  Should it have read Columbus Day SAIL?  If so, let’s gather at the dock and see him off.                    

Watch for the January “White” Sales.  Racial?  Only “White” items on sale?  Well, you now have enough information to figure this one out for yourself.

With approaching winter, watch for “THE WIND’S OUT OF THE NORTH SALE!”

Get there early, before everything is picked over.