Glimpses

Is Life Getting More Confusing
or is it Just My Age?

For many years, for some reason, I have been fascinated each time I read a report on how fast knowledge is increasing. You know of course that this is one of the Biblical indicators that point to the end of the age. (Dan 12:4) The advent of the computer and the internet have disintegrated the barriers that once hindered means of storing and accessing vast amounts of knowledge, in written form. Just recently, I heard an update on world-wide knowledge expansion: Knowledge is now said to be doubling every two years. Being a husband and father, I have always felt that there are certain things that a man in my role should know, but frankly, I feel that I am gradually losing ground in my quest to keep up with this dramatic upturn in knowledge. It just seems that I can no longer stay abreast of everything that’s being amassed. I would hasten to add that the perplexity of keeping up with all this has not entirely passed me by.

Honestly, is life getting more confusing, or is it just my age? Case in point: From a very early age I was taught, “Color within the lines.” This admonition at home was continued by the school system, and over time expanded to include unspoken personal restraints with similar connotations like, (everyone) be nice, stay together as we walk to the lunch room, be a team player, and remember the category that showed up on the back of the report card, “Gets along well with others?” Possibly this was drilled into my mushy brain to the point that I unwittingly accepted it, soaked it up like gravy on a tie, and consequently, all that is still a part of me. Now it’s Think Outside The Box! No longer is this new philosophy standard fare in college and university business classes, but it has spread from business seminars to office meetings, and brainstorming sessions in a wide variety of professions. Think Outside The Box! Color in the lines! Don’t color in the lines! Don’t conform but be a team player! Think differently than you have ever thought before! As we get older and have more knowledge to draw on, and as we begin to think “out of the box,” it just seems that the water is much deeper on the outside of the line than it is within.

I would like to share my combat experience with men who were recently married or may be seriously considering (making this mistake) taking this step. At some point, most likely early-on, you will be invited (or unexpectedly trapped) into going clothes shopping with that wonderful woman of your choosing. And just as surely as that is going to happen, you are likely to be caught totally off guard by a question the female of the species will ask while modeling a prospective purchase, “Does this make me look fat?” This loaded question is almost as old as fig leaves. Read that question over and over and over until you can mentally hear it above the waling of sirens, crying babies or a natural gas explosion! Your first impulse is to respond – right? WRONG! Are you crazy? Are you a fashion designer? Ever spent any time in Paris? Have you ever altered a garment? Cutting the sleeves out of a tee shirt does not count! Son, whether or not you have ever been a Boy Scout, this is one time you need to heed the Scout Motto - “Be Prepared.” Pick a response from the following list that seems to fit your personality and style of expressing yourself:

“Are you kidding? Honey, you look great in anything you put on!”

“Some people can’t wear that color, but you look FABULOUS.”

“You look great to me! Maybe where you’re standing the light isn’t too good.”

“Aw, you know how this artificial light is. From where I am, you look fantastic!”

After having replied, don’t give in to the urge during the next few seconds of silence to embellish your response. Those silent seconds may seem like an eternity, but SHUT UP! Make any further attempt to explain your position and I can assure you – you have lost!

Now, after she finds out that she can’t trip you up in the store, you may be lucky enough to remain at home while she goes to slide a few hangers around the old garment racks. When she comes home, ALWAYS have a newspaper in hand – or ready access to one. Prepare in advance. Without hesitation, when she models a new purchase, and asks that treacherous question, respond with as much sincerity and interest as possible, while using one of the suggestions above, BUT THIS TIME, quickly follow up with a remark like, “Greenspan (referring to the newspaper) says that the economy looks robust through at least the end of the year. You know, this might be the best time to buy that (choose one: bass boat, SUV, shotgun, set of golf clubs, motorcycle, ATV, large screen TV, hunting dog, monster grill, jet ski or welding rig) that I have been talking about.”

Guarantee: That will kill any further discussion about her looking fat; however, be prepared to fish YOUR OWN FAT out of the fire because you aren’t getting any of those items, You WILL GET an unusual dinner menu: “Now serving – COLD SHOULDER & HOT TONGUE.”

It doesn’t make any difference if what she picks out makes her look like the rear end of a Buick, remember what your mother said, “If you can’t say something nice, --   you had better lie with a straight face.”

More confusion: Why is it that males think they have married the “ideal” woman and are happy with their choice? The confusion for me sets in when very shortly after the wedding, it becomes very evident that the wife took on the husband, not as a knight in shining armor, but as an unfinished government project, or long term do-it-yourself kit. That thing she noticed about you when dating – you know when she caught you scratching your back in the restaurant with a fork, and thought it was funny. NOW, if she notices you doing that (and she now watches like a hawk), she becomes infuriated and quotes Emily Post, scripture and verse, all the way home. Not expecting that radical change in attitude while in a restaurant, and being caught totally off guard, I once dropped a whole handful of mashed potatoes! I left there extremely embarrassed, having to walk out of there with food stains on my clothes!

And, it’s a real ego killer when you find out what she thought all along about your choices of attire. This becomes evident (frequently) when you are all dressed up and ready to go out, and you hear the familiar, age old words, “Is that what you are going to wear?” This particular question is international. Men of all nationalities and cultures immediately understand its meaning. No translation needed. “The Question” was crafted by a vengeful woman in the long ago, who was extremely bitter because men could dress for an occasion much faster than women. This carefully chosen group of words can bring down even the mighty; immediately triggering self doubt, a rush of humility and embarrassment in the male. It’s possible, upon hearing this question, that a man will instantaneously doubt the quality of his mother’s upbringing. Only through hours spent in solitude, training one’s self, and meditating can a man withstand such a query with dignity. Only then can he become quick-witted enough to calmly reply, “No, I was just trying this on.” In order to ascertain what attire he should be bedecked in, and without showing loss of self control, or self assurance, the following statement would be appropriate: “I don’t have a thing to wear! (You don’t have to worry about the origin of that statement! That will put you in a “safety zone.”) Two possible outcomes will then become evident. Your way will then be clear to replenish your wardrobe in the foreseeable future and/or you will be advised what to change into - without your losing face by having to ask. (In the latter case, you did have something to wear after all, dummy!) As you can see, mental preparation is key.

Some men are eventually worn down after years of enduring the “being bent into shape” process. They’re easy to spot. They are the doddering old men, leaning a little bit too forward, creating a modified trot, with their feet trying to adjust for the slight imbalance. They hesitantly bobble along behind their wives, at a respectful distance, around the grocery store, and responding unquestioningly, with glazed eyes, to “go fetch.” Some wonder why there are more widows than there are widowers of similar age. Researchers say that there are two primary reasons: (These come from those “12 Leading New York Doctors” that we used to hear so much about.)

1. A variety of house rules, constant correction, and playing “go fetch”
     extract a heavy toll

    2. Some men retain their self confidence and are not pliable enough to
         succumb to the attempts to “being bent into shape.” Instead, they develop
         stress cracks, and rather than bend, they break, thereby ending the life
         process

Undoubtedly, if you are a female reader, and still tuned in, your blood pressure is up, your nostrils are flared and you are thinking, or yelling at the top of your lungs, “Male Chauvinist!” When you get calmed down and your breathing is near normal, ask yourself if you have EVER seen reversed roles relating to the above examples. When have you ever heard a man ask, “Does this tie make me look fat?” When have you EVER seen a woman in a “go fetch” mode in a grocery store?

I rest my case.

I once heard a man comment that his grandfather had been an old Yugoslavian guerilla fighter. When asked, with a hint of admiration, what war the old gentleman had fought in he replied, “Oh, he wasn’t in any wars, he was married to an old Yugoslavian guerilla.”

Harley