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“My Journey Through Cancer”
November 2003
Contributor Pam Hess
pictured with her
husband, Jack.
On Monday, December
20, 1999, I was diagnosed with cancer on the base of my tongue and also
in one lymph node on the right side of my neck. Immediate surgery
was needed, so it was scheduled for the next week. My doctor said
that following surgery, I would need radiation, but not chemotherapy, because
the kind of cancer I had was contained to the head and neck area, and radiation
would kill any remaining cancer cells. I felt such a sense of relief
that I only needed radiation. I knew that I could handle that.
That was no big deal. (I later found out that because of the area
affected it was a big deal).
Everything was happening so fast that I felt
confused, numb, scared, angry, and with some degree of denial. Never
mind the fact we were in the week before Christmas, which is supposed to
be a happy, exciting time, not a time when you get the news that YOU have
cancer, need surgery, need radiation, and that your full time job is going
to be eating so you can maintain your weight. What does all of this
mean and how does it fit into my box of life, much less CHRISTMAS?!!!
I could not understand why God did this to
me, or at least let this happen to me. I felt like a very bad person
who really let God down by having such a negative and angry attitude.
I could not pray, trust God or exercise faith about anything. My
husband, Jack, and I asked people to pray for me/us to stand in the gap
when I could not be there for myself. It was a weird place to be,
but nonetheless, that was where I was.
My pastor came to visit me two weeks after
surgery to see how I was doing, so I thought this would be a time to ask
him why all of this was happening! So when he came, I told him my
story about being mad at God and how I was confused about why this was
happening to me. He assured me that God loved me and would be with
me through this whole ordeal, and that God was big enough to handle my
anger. My pastor assured me that he would be praying for me,
as well as lots of other people.
Everyone kept saying to me, “just give it
to God”, “just trust God”, or “you know all things work out for good”,
but for me that was NOT the issue. The issue was basic survival and
getting through all of this. I was climbing this huge mountain that
was right in front of me. I was trying to make it to the end…wherever
that was.
My vision of God was a “Clipboard God” who
has His checklist and He was checking me everyday to see if I was “passing
the test”. Did I have the energy, did I have the strength, both physical
and emotional, was my faith strong enough to “pass God’s test”?
I felt this was God’s deal anyway, so my
hands were clean of this. “He” was the one who got me into this and
“He” was the one who had to figure out how to get me through this.
I just could not deal with that, but what I needed to focus on and remind
myself of was to “Keep the courage to make it through”…
After three weeks of radiation, my saliva
was gone, my mouth was full of sores and my throat was too raw to eat anything,
so I had a feeding tube (PEG) put in my stomach. The pressure was
off, so I could get my nutrition through the tube with Ensure. It
was also too hard to talk, I had no energy, and every time I tried to talk,
I would gag and throw up, so I quit talking and began using a white board
and marker to put my thoughts down. Since I normally think in paragraphs,
faster than my mouth can work on a normal day, this was VERY hard. I had
to condense everything down to just a few words to write on my white board.
Spiritually and emotionally I was up
and down. Also as the weeks went by, physically I became weaker.
The Bible Story in Mark 5:25-28 comes to mind about the woman with the
issue of blood who wanted to just touch the hem of Jesus’ garment and she
would be whole. My perspective from this story is all the strength
I had was just to hold on to a thread of Jesus’ garment and that would
be enough to stay connected to Him. This was the best I could do,
and if it is good enough for her to be made whole, then it was enough for
me to make it to the next minute. I could barely hold on, but Jesus
was right there holding me.
Thinking back during those dark weeks which
began after my feeding tube was put in, I know the devil was trying to
defeat me and cause me to give up, which believe me I felt like doing.
One particular day I was gagging so badly and was physically exhausted
to the core. I could not go another step. As I was walking
by the blue chair in my den, I was so ready to give up and sit down and
die. But I was reminded of my precious husband and three children
and my grandchildren, especially Jason who was only a few weeks old.
They needed a wife, mother and grandmother. I couldn’t do that to
them, so I kept moving and put another Ensure in the tube. I had
to hang on to Jesus. I also knew that God was meeting me DOWN where
I was. I could not rise up to the Heavens, so God had to come to
me, which He was faithful to do.
The next Bible story that I was living in
was Mark 2:1-5, “And many were gathered together, so that there was
no longer room, not even near the door; and He (Jesus) was speaking the
word to them. And they came, bringing to him a paralytic, carried
by four men. And being unable to get to Him because of the crowd, they
removed the roof above Him; and when they had dug an opening, they let
down the pallet on which the paralytic was lying. And Jesus seeing
their faith said to the paralytic, ‘my son, your sins are forgiven’” (New
Living Translation Bible). My friends, through intercessory prayer
carried me to Jesus every minute, because I couldn’t do it myself.
They also physically drove me to treatment every day.
In my anger, frustration, and doubt, I asked
myself, “Does God still love me and call me His own? Haven’t I completely
disappointed Him by not singing and rejoicing”? Could this be grounds
for Him to throw me out”? Not so. He poured out His unconditional
love and His faithfulness towards me. I had to empty myself of everything,
which is what happened…physically I was empty, emotionally I was a wreck,
and spiritually I had nothing. What I thought God was all about was nothing
compared to what I learned in the process. He never left me, judged
me, or stopped blessing me. As I look back I am overwhelmed with
the faithfulness He showered towards me constantly.
My suffering drove me to look long and hard
into who God is and to see if He was still a loving God. As I looked
and continued to question, God showed me a new level of love and was moving
me to a new passion to serve Him.
Looking back on all of this makes me know
that I never gave up on God, like I thought I did. I was able to keep hope
alive wondering how God was going to make sense of this mess, because I
knew He was the ONLY one who could get me out of this. There was
nothing I could do or anyone else, just God Himself! I was looking
for Him, seeking Him with my whole heart and then finally at Sunday Morning
Worship at my church on February 4, 2001, I totally surrendered my all
to the Almighty God, and received His gift to me…Unconditional Love!
In the Baptist Hymnal, Page 339 is the old
hymn It Is Well With My Soul and as I sang verse 2…
“Though Satan should buffet, tho trials should
come, Let this blest assurance control, That Christ has regarded my helpless
estate, And hath shed his own blood for my soul, It is well with
my soul, It is well, it is well with my soul.” I felt this was the story
of my “cancer journey.” Satan had beaten me to shreds, but Jesus
shed His own blood for ME! So, yes, it is well with my soul.
Excerpts from Pam Hess’s Book
THE BATTLE IS WON Because
Of Who GOD Is
Purchase your copy through
her website:
www.pamhessministries.org
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