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NEEDHIM
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“Confessions
of a Shopaholic
A New Twist”
December
2004
Jennifer Young
Christmas is
officially here, and the massive shopping frenzy seems to have come a
season too soon! Frantically I peruse the Internet for a quick gift fix
to avoid the holiday shuffle. Yet I already feel impersonal,
financially overcommitted and tired from the way I have ushered in the
Christmas spirit. I ask myself—where is Jesus in all of this? Where is
the Christ child who came to save the world? When did Christmas subtly
become more about buying and acquiring things than pursuing the Christ
Child?
These questions didn’t surface from a pure heart I assure you.
Having maxed out my credit cards in a previous stage of life to
“impress the family and myself” with gifts and a seemingly prestigious
lifestyle, I am reminded of the pain that comes from what author Ken
Blanchard means by “Edging God Out” (a short term for EGO). The
truth of the matter is that we all have a tendency to put aside our
Lord and the real meaning of the Christmas season (or of any season
really) because we all lean toward selfish desires and not what the
Lord would have for us. This article will explore that personal journey
of abandoning what I call the “spending idol.” Friends, I assure you
this will be quite a different story than Sophie Kinsella’s version of
Confessions of a Shopaholic. Buckle your seatbelts.
My expedition began shortly after I quit my corporate job to pursue a
music ministry in October of 1999. Living a miserable existence selling
carpet in 1000 degree Texas heat is enough to convince anyone to give
up a pretty two- income household (with my precious husband Jason)—or
so I thought….
Yes, I gave up that high profile/high- paying job and committed to pray
about what my purpose in life should be. All logical signs seemed
to point in the direction of pursuing a career in music since I had
studied that field in college. At the time I called it a
ministry—Pathways Music—but what it really became was a shameless
pursuit of self. I ended up putting together a full custom CD
project in a matter of three months and a beautiful promotional kit
encouraging church members to hire me to share my heart through song
with their congregation. Oddly enough—the Lord blessed my new endeavor
by filling my calendar with a list of diverse venues to play in. Praise
God!!! Right?
Wrong!!! The most embarrassing part of the journey followed:
While busy doing “God’s work” over the course of the next two years, I
never really sat down to fervently pray to God and ask for clear
direction or focus, to worship him, or read His word. In fact, my bible
seemingly collected an inch of dust from neglect. Although many of my
mentors encouraged and reminded me to be in a daily relationship with
Him, I never adopted this principle because I was making it just fine
on my own.
Not only was I distanced from God, I also put my faith in adorning
myself with the praise of men and the appearance of success. This
included using money from my ministry to pay off large clothing bills
that our general income couldn’t afford. This included spending endless
hours at the mall exploring the most current fashions to “look” the
part of a rock star and depleting funds that didn’t exist in what was
truly a single income family--since the ministry wasn’t really
generating a significant amount of cash flow.
I guess you could say that landing a record deal become my ultimate
gage for success, and I would do whatever it took to get there. I
waited and waited and waited. When would I be famous? The voice I was
hearing in my head said “Soon. Very soon. Because you are doing God’s
work.” What I would soon learn is that the voice replaying in my mind
was not from my heavenly Father—but my own.
During the month of September 2001— things couldn’t have been going
better for me professionally. Personally, my husband I struggled with
my financial insensitivity but that didn’t keep me from the pursuit of
ME, ME, ME! But the Lord obviously had other plans in mind. The
momentum for my ministry was building, my confidence was at an all time
high or should I say my EGO was at an all time high. Then the day after
our country was devastated by the events of September 11, I too
experienced my greatest personal loss.
I was diagnosed with vocals nodules—a career nightmare for a vocalist.
Under the guidance of my doctor I had to be committed to 10 weeks of
complete vocal rest. This meant canceling all of my singing
engagements, turning off my home and cell phone, trusting other people
to be my voice, and learning to lean on others to help guide me.
Unfortunately, I did not deal well with the stress of the situation,
and my “silent treatment” led me down the path of engaging in intense
retail therapy to medicate the pain from this devastation.
Needless to say “retail therapy” and “unemployment” are not a good
combination. I simply couldn’t deal with the facts that I could not
lead the same lifestyle as when we had the two corporate jobs, I
probably wouldn’t be famous, and I probably couldn’t have all my
materialistic desires fulfilled. How could I survive this mess I was
in? During those same few months, I also lost my spiritual light, my
Grandmother Ila Fern, and also our first child after 7 weeks of
inception. This was too much to bear! In April of 2002, I cried out to
God with a clenched fist, “Dear God please don’t’ choose me to suffer
anymore!!!!”
Then my flustered heart shifted from anger to a state of meditation. I
reflected on a powerful moment in time I once thought insignificant:
Shortly before my diagnosis with nodules, I attended a fabulous seminar
at Estes Park in August of 2001 for aspiring Christian artists. Little
did I know that a small seed would be planted at that event that would
harvest a complete transformation of my heart. I participated in a
session with a well-known and respected worship leader, Israel, from a
progressive church in Houston Texas. He proceeded to share his life
story and the impact that one question had on his life. As he was
growing in his faith and musical career, one of his mentors asked
him—“So how is your worship?” Israel responded by saying that he was
attending church, writing, singing and leading worship music, etc. etc.
Yeah—his worship was GREAT in his opinion! And his mentor repeated the
question, “How is YOUR worship?” “Oh that!” Israel said. “I am
not sure about that intimate part.”
So I left the seminar with that piercing question in mind. It became a
distant memory for a time.
Then the answer—the reality resurfaced during this downward spiral I
was facing and had created. I was failing miserably with my personal
worship. Because my ministry had become a brazen plan to make it big
and strike it rich, I lost all sense of why God gifted me with music. I
was trying to fill the void I had created with stuff and success. It
wasn’t working. I needed the Lord and nothing else. One afternoon I
made the decision to refocus my heart and mind and the Lord led me to
the following scripture: “ Whatever you do, work at it with all your
heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you
will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward.” 1 Thessalonians
3: 23-24; And then another letter from God pierced my soul: “Do not
store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust
destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up treasures
in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not
break in. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also…You
cannot serve both God and Money.” Matthew 6: 19-21, 24b.
I stood in awe of God’s word that day and how He spoke directly to my
heart. He knew I needed a wake up call on all fronts so that I could
serve Him more fully. I had to deny the pleasures of my heart to
discover the fullness of His joy. Sometimes we think that
sacrificing for God will require giving up too much! The truth is that
our lives become more complete as my dad always says, “When our Lord is
running the show.”
With God’s truth in mind, I am proud to say that I am now thankful for
that season of silence and the lessons learned. My voice is fully
restored and my ministry refocused with teaching people about authentic
worship at its core. Sometimes the Lord will take drastic means to
speak to our hearts, and I am grateful for that aspect of His character
even if it means taking away the things we deem most precious to our
hearts. The Lord has blessed our family to the point of helping us pay
off our debt and has given us the ability to bless others because of
our obedience. I am not saying I have it all figured out, but I am
enjoying the journey of trusting my Lord above myself. He is the
ultimate provider of all I have and understanding this point has made
all the difference.
So I ask you, “How is YOUR worship?” Who or what are you bowing down to
today? I pray you are kneeling at Your Master in heaven’s feet—the
safest place I have come to know.
Bless you this holiday season,
Jennifer Young
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