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So....I Have No Past

See, in my life, I have been through it!!

I am not going to give details, but needless to say there have been many times when things have happened that made my life change dramatically, all in an instant. For the longest time, about 6 years to be exact, I was upset about these things in my life. I held on to a lot of bitterness and hatred in my heart.

I can't pinpoint one person I felt these feelings toward because ultimately I felt this way toward God. Yes, I had bitterness and hatred toward God. You know, the one who sent his son Jesus to die for me/us. Yeah, that one. And until recently, I was having an even more difficult time forgiving myself for feeling this way. Well, I know now, that it is ok to feel this way toward God. It, however, is not ok to feel this way and never deal with it.

Sometimes in life things happen that we do not understand. Things that we know, or think we know, should not have happened. Even some things that would not have happened if  we had made a better choice. We are going to have hard times, but these hard times can be used in a beautiful way, if we allow them to be shown to us that way. I am not saying that tragedy is a good thing, but the lessons learned are, or can be a good thing.

See, about a month ago, in a very awesome church service, there was a prayer prayed over me. I do not remember the whole thing, but it went something like this. "Welcome home child, you have returned to the arms of your Father. He loves you and wants you to know that you no longer have a past. All of the pain in your past has been erased. When Jesus died on the cross, his blood covered all your past."

I have to stop there because that is what this testimony is all about. It is my testimony of the release of my past. It's not like I can't remember my past, but it's like the pain from all of those events is gone. All of the bitterness and hatred is gone. I am actually very thankful for going through each and every situation because the life I know live is based on the strength I have because of those horrible times in my past.

In Isaiah 61 verse 3 it says something to the extent that God promises to give beauty for ashes, joy for mourning, and peace for despair. As I think about this verse everyday, I am reminded of two things.  The first - we are going to walk through the fire, we are going to mourn and we are going to feel so alone, but secondly, there is beauty for the fire, joy for the mourning and peace in our most desperate hour. My prayer is this, if you have been through the fire and feel all alone, remember that you are alone, that God is there waiting to reach out to help you, if you will only ask.

See, that was my problem for so many years, I never truly asked for help, yet I expected to be healed. I thought I was supposed to suffer forever. But Praise God, I was wrong. Everyday is a new day in my walk with Jesus. I have given him reign over every area of my life, therefore, I do not worry about tomorrow because he is in control. 

"His eye is on the sparrow, so I know he watches me." Ps. 84:3 

Ashley