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I am the mother of five sons.  I gave birth to three and two are stepsons.  My best friend tells me that I have a  “heart for boys” and that’s true.  My passion has always been my boys. I think in some ways I even loved them more than I loved God.  It was not a conscious decision, but the truth was that I was telling God, “You can have complete control of anything else in my life, but you can’t have my boys”.  Oh I wanted them to give their hearts to Jesus and live their lives for God.  I just didn’t want God to have my boys to the point that He would take them away from me.  I felt that I loved them so completely and unconditionally that I didn’t need God in that area of my life. 

My oldest sons, Clint and Ryan Mark, are now 23 and 19.  Their father and I divorced when Clint was in the first grade.  At that time, I was a single mother working full-time for the local Sheriff’s Department.  The boys and I  were extremely close and had such good times together.  My job was very demanding and I loved my work, but I missed time alone with my boys, so we began to create what we called “Mama–Clint days” or “Mama–Ryan Mark days”.  These were times when they were the center of my attention and we would go to their favorite place to eat (usually McDonalds), or play their favorite games.  It was a time when I connected with them and we talked about whatever was on their mind or in their heart.  I loved those days and they did too.

I dated a man who also had two boys and eventually we married.  I changed jobs in the meantime, going to work for the Solicitor’s Office (or the District Attorney – in SC we still use the old English term “Solicitor”).  I was now sharing my time and attention between my new husband, new stepchildren, new job and my boys.  It was difficult to say the least.  There was often much confusion, jealousy, & hurt.  I felt that I was stretching myself so thin I couldn’t be what I needed to be for anyone.   Sometime in the midst of all of this I lost my boys.  I wasn’t there for them the way I once had been.  At some point in their teen years they began to use drugs.  I didn’t know it at the time, of course, but as I look back, there were so many signs - their grades, their attitudes.  I should have known, but I didn’t.  I was too busy.  I was trying so hard to do everything and in the meantime I lost the most precious thing in my life, my boys.

Few of my friends understood.  They either had not encountered that type of problem with their teenagers, or their children were still very young.  As I struggled over events in  Ryan Mark’s life, one of my friends said, “Jan, you need to be thankful for the family you have and forget about him” (at that point, Ryan Mark had been arrested on a second drug charge).  She might as well have asked me to stop breathing because you see I didn’t see the defiant 17-year-old when I looked at him.  I saw that precious little 4 year old blonde headed boy who came running from the yard to give his Mama a dandelion he had just picked for her.

The pain, guilt, and embarrassment I felt during those years was almost more than I could bear.    Everyone I worked with knew what was going on with my children because the criminal charges came through my office.  The arresting officers were my friends.  I felt like a complete failure in the one area that I wanted to succeed the most – as a good parent.  I prayed harder than I had ever prayed in my life.  I read every book I could find on Christian parenting and drug addiction.  I wanted to save my children.  I remember one day in late September 2000;  I fell on the floor in my bedroom and cried out to God “I can’t do it.  I don’t have what it takes to save my boys.  If they are going to be saved, it is going to be because of You, not because of me.  I don’t know what that will mean for their future, but I trust You God.  I leave them in Your hands.  My faith is in You, not in myself”. (I Peter 5: 6-7)

There were no immediate changes in my circumstances, but there was a dramatic change in me.  I had God’s peace.  That doesn’t mean that I never had feelings of concern for Clint and Ryan Mark again.  It simply meant that I was not consumed with worry, anxiety, and guilt.  I trusted their lives to my God who is able to do far above what I can imagine. 

Sometime during all of this I felt like God was trying to teach me something.  I felt like he was going to use my pain to help others.  In my position at the Solicitor’s Office, I am responsible for all of the special programs in our office, both ongoing and newly formed.  The Drug Treatment Court Program was fairly new in our State and when our Solicitor first brought it to my attention, I immediately took interest.  Drug Treatment Court, for those who haven’t heard of it, is a diversion program for drug addicts.  Unlike most diversion programs, Drug Treatment Court deals with people who most often have lengthy criminal records (drug & drug related offenses, not violent crimes).  Research shows that most of these addicts are repeat offenders because the issue of their addiction is never addressed in the criminal justice system.  It is a revolving door of arrest, prosecution and prison.  They are eventually released and since the problem of their addiction is never addressed, they simply re-offend and the process begins again. 

Our Drug Treatment Court began last October and we have accepted 24 defendants so far.  As I work with these individuals and their families, I have learned that they come from every socio/economic level imaginable.  Addiction does not discriminate.  It is very painful and destructive.  We are all at risk of being in the same situation. 

Early last year when we were trying to find the funding to support our Drug Treatment Court, my Solicitor asked me why I was so passionate about this particular program.  I told him “Drug Court may not be able to help save my son, but it will help to save someone’s son”. 

My boys are doing quite well now.  Drug Treatment Court was not in operation in time to help them; however, the knowledge I possess as a result of all of my research has been helpful to my boys and to me.  They are both drug free and putting their lives back together.  It has been a long process and as my friend Mary says,  “It takes baby steps”.  I know God has a plan for them and will use their circumstances just as he has used mine to help them grow. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

I don’t know what God has in mind for me in the future.  I feel like it will possibly have something to do with addiction.  As I discussed this with Mary recently I said, “I don’t know how big it will be or how much of a difference it will make, but it really doesn’t matter.  If I help to save one life, bring one wounded soul to Christ,  that will be awesome and oh so worth it”.

God is so sovereign, so amazing.  I know His will is perfect.  I still have a passion for my boys, but first and foremost my boys belong to God.  God has expanded my passion as I work with the wounded souls in our Drug Treatment Court.  I know we can’t save them all, but if we just save one…..

I will close with a story you may have heard.  It seems appropriate.
 

                                                   "The Starfish”

Once upon a time, there was a wise man that used to go to the ocean to do his writing.  One day he was walking along the shore.  As he looked down the beach, he saw a human figure moving like a dancer.  He smiled to himself to think of someone who would dance to the day.  So he began walking faster to catch up.

As he got closer, he saw that it was a young man and that he was not dancing, but instead he was reaching down to the shore, picking up something and very gently throwing it to the ocean.

He called out to the young man, “Good Morning!  What are you doing?”
He paused and replied, “Throwing starfish in the ocean.”
I asked “Why are you throwing starfish in the ocean?”
“The sun is up and the tide is going out.  And if I don’t throw them in they’ll die.”

“But young man, don’t you realize that there are miles and miles of beach and starfish all along it.”   YOU CAN’T POSSIBLY MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

The young man listened politely.  Then he bent down, picked up another starfish and threw it into the sea, past the breaking waves and said,  “It made a difference to that one.

Jan Gillespie